


More Trouble Than a Texas Twister

by knightshade



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor, Quarantine, Team Bonding, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-11 16:26:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3331451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightshade/pseuds/knightshade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The team is quarantined after a mission and a bored Colonel O'Neill is more trouble than a Texas twister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	More Trouble Than a Texas Twister

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own them. MGM, Gekko, and several others do. I am just playing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: This was written for the teamficathon on LiveJournal. It was written for stargazercmc with the prompt, "Janet quarantines SG-1 together for a long period of time. Anything goes." Thank you so much to moonshayde for giving me her honest opinion and to Abyssinia4077 for the beta.

Jack gaped at the Doc through the Plexiglas visor in her biological hazard suit. “A month? But I don't even feel sick!" He waved back at his team. "And Carter never gets sick. Really. You should study her. She has a bionic immune system or something. And what about Teal'c? He's got Junior. And Daniel? Well, okay, Daniel's always sick but it's usually just allergies." Jack was grasping at straws and he knew it, but if had to throw someone under the bus... "But then again, you never can be too careful. Maybe you could just keep Daniel locked up for a month."

 

Daniel’s head snapped up. "Jack!"

 

Dr. Fraiser gave him an exasperated look and Jack had the feeling he was going to be getting a lot of those in the very near future.

 

Dr. Fraiser took a deep breath and Jack just _knew_ she was going to hit him with her ‘patient’ voice. “I’m sorry, Colonel, but all the information we were able to collect from the planet’s inhabitants suggests that this plague may have an incubation period as long as a month. Just because you aren't showing symptoms, or won't get sick yourselves, doesn't mean you aren't carriers or won't be contagious.   You’re going to have to stay in quarantine for the month.”

 

“One month?" Jack held up his hand and made a show of counting on his fingers. "Four weeks?" He threw up his hands entirely. "Thirty one _days_?”

 

"Your math skills appear to be improving, O'Neill."

 

Jack's tirade died on his lips. He let out a sigh and turned his glare on Teal’c. "Remind me to throw _you_ under the bus next time, big guy."

 

Teal'c raised his eyebrow quizzically, but Jack ignored it. Daniel could explain later. And he needed to focus on his primary mission which was, of course, ending this insanity before it began. “You can’t keep us in here for a month. It’s inhumane!”

 

There was nothing in the quarantine area. Nothing but an airlock, a common living area with a high ceiling, a short hallway leading to a bunk room with rows of beds like the infirmary, and a set of bathrooms. Oh yes, and windows to an upper level observation theater for that ‘living in a zoo’ feeling. Everything was sparse and sterile. The common living area was decorated -- and Jack used that term loosely – with a table, some chairs, and a yellowing newspaper that was probably circa 1983.

 

“I’m sorry, sir. There’s really no other choice.”

 

He knew that, but it didn’t help. “We’re going to go nuts with nothing to do.”

 

“Speak for yourself, Jack,” Daniel said. “I have at least a month’s backlog of texts to finish translating.”

 

“I’m sorry, Daniel,” Dr. Fraiser said, her voice tinny through her suit. “Anything that comes into this room will need to go through a thorough disinfecting spray when it leaves. It won’t harm most items, but I’m not sure how ancient texts will fair.”

 

Daniel’s shoulders fell slightly and he bit his lower lip. “That's okay. I probably wouldn’t have been able to get much done anyway,” he grumbled under his breath, giving Jack a dark look.

 

“Computers?” Sam asked hopefully.

 

“Sorry. I talked to the general about that, but they would be too hard to completely disinfect. So for the moment, no.”

 

“Then what are we supposed to do?” Jack asked, crossing his arms and bouncing on the balls of his feet. He wasn’t going to stop complaining, but at least he felt somewhat vindicated. If he couldn’t do something he considered fun, then Carter and Daniel shouldn’t get to either. Although as far as Jack was concerned, their idea of ‘fun’ needed some major tweaking.

 

Dr. Fraiser looked back and forth at them apologetically. “General Hammond had a suggestion.” She glanced back at the nurse behind her -- also in full biohazard regalia --who was carrying a large box. The nurse set it down and pulled open the flaps. Jack peered inside. “Aw. Come on. You said that we couldn’t bring paper in and out.”

 

“I doubt they’re worried about the archival integrity of our reports, Jack.”

 

“You're not helping, Daniel."

 

“Plain paper survives the disinfecting process. At least long enough to have an airman type them up for you on the other side.” Janet gave them a sympathetic look. “You can make a list of any personal items you’d like us to bring in. We’ve got a box with some cards, books, and magazines that can just be destroyed when you’re done with them. Anything else you need, just let me know.”

 

“Tell Hammond I want to talk to a Red Cross Representative. I’m pretty sure that forcing us to do reports and paperwork while in captivity is a violation of the Geneva Convention.”

 

Daniel crossed his arms and gave him a humorless smile. “I don’t think the Geneva Convention applies when you’re being held by your own military.”

 

Jack peered skyward and then turned to give Daniel ‘the look.’ With friends like him…

 

Dr. Fraiser smiled wanly through her visor at them. “I really am sorry about this, but believe me, it's necessary. If there’s anything you need …”

 

“We’ll make a list, Janet,” Carter said, sliding down into a chair in front of the plain military issue table, obviously resigned. “Thank you.”

 

Jack scanned the quarantine level that was going to be their home for far too long. He glanced back at his team and saw the horror in Carter’s eyes, the tired resignation in Daniel’s and the…well…the usual expression of stoic resilience in Teal’c’s.

 

This was not going to be fun.

 

*          *          *

 

“List of demands?” Hammond asked, glaring down at the title scrawled across the top of a still damp sheet of paper. Not surprisingly it was in Jack’s distinctive handwriting.

 

“In Colonel O’Neill’s defense, sir, I’d be bored too. He’s just getting a little squirrelly.”

 

“Are you sure that’s not the disease setting in?”

 

The doctor tried to hide her grimace but she wasn’t quite fast enough. “I’m pretty sure it’s typical behavior.”

 

Hammond set down the sheet and sighed. Of course. A bored Colonel O’Neill was more trouble than a Texas twister.

 

_ List of Demands _

_1\. One phone call_

_2\. Access to our lawyers_

_3\. Safe passage to an ocean resort in a country with favorable extradition laws_

_4\. Blue Jello in addition to the standard red Jello._

_5\. All currently released seasons of The Simpsons on DVD_

_6\. The Star Wars movies on DVD_

_7\. An expendable DVD player_

_8\. A month’s supply of energy bars_

_9\. Glow in the dark yoyos_

_10\. Chocolate ice cream (Teal'c wants cookie dough)_

_11\. Candles_

_12\. Some sacrificial piece of broken equipment for Carter to ‘fix’_

_13\. Duct tape_

_14\. Books (see attached lists)_

_15\. Conjugal visits_

_16\. Free weights_

_17\. Boxing gloves_

_18\. Those nifty playing cards with escape maps drawn on them_

_19\. Sharp file in a cake, preferably with a pretty girl to jump out with it (Carter wants a hot guy)_

_20\. Beer (Daniel wants wine)_

 

The General looked up from the list. “Doctor, is there any medical reason why they shouldn’t have alcohol?”

 

“It does reduce immunity in general, but I don’t really see any harm in them having a little beer in moderation.”

 

“Good. Somehow I think that might be the item on the list that will most ease life for the rest of us.”

 

Dr. Fraiser smiled. “Of course, sir.”

 

“Have Lt. Heinrensen requisition an inexpensive TV and DVD player as well as the DVDs they requested.”

 

“Lt. Wallace is already working on the books, candles, and yoyos, sir.”

 

“Good. Get them the free weights.” He tapped his pencil against his desk and thought a minute. “But maybe we should hold off on boxing gloves for now.”

 

“My thoughts exactly, sir,” Janet said with a tight smile.

 

*          *          *

 

Teal’c was in the midst of kel’noreem, the small ring of candles around his crossed legs barely denting the harsh florescent light of their prison. Daniel was reading some laboriously large book that one of his old colleagues had published -- something about Ancient Mesopotamia that had to be dryer than the toast they were served for breakfast this morning. Carter was pouring over a book that was filled with equations. And Jack was leaning with his back against the wall, trying to perfect his Double or Nothing with a substandard yoyo.

 

Teal’c was only a few feet from him.

 

With his eyes closed.

 

It was way too tempting.

 

Jack flipped the yoyo a few times, caught it in his hand, and then launched it. Teal’c’s hand snapped up with perfectly timed precision, stopping the yoyo dead in the center of his palm. Then he closed his hand over it with an iron-fisted finality.

 

“How did you do that?” Jack had to admit, he was impressed.

 

"I used the Force, O’Neill," he deadpanned.

 

"Let's try not to forget that I am the comedian around here." He tugged at the yoyo string, afraid that Teal’c might just crush his toy.

 

Teal’c slowly opened his eyes. “In truth, I have been waiting all morning for this eventuality, O’Neill.”

 

“Am I really that predictable?”

 

“Indeed.” Teal’c let go of the yoyo and it fell to the floor. Jack grudgingly rolled it up and set it aside. Then he pushed away from the wall and went to go read over Carter’s shoulder.

 

“Sir?”

 

“Yes, Carter?”

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Second hand learning?”

 

She turned to look up at him.

 

“Carter, did you know there are letters in your math?”

 

She let her head fall to the book and both she and Daniel let out slightly exasperated sighs. Jack felt that momentary glow that came with annoying people. Sadly, it was short lived. He really was going stir crazy. “Aren’t you guys bored?”

 

“Um, not yet,” Daniel said, peering over the top of the book. “And Jack, we’re going to be spending a lot more time in here so you might want to, uh, _find something to do_.”

 

“Right.” Jack was keen to the signs of diminishing returns in bugging his teammates and he wasn’t getting much entertainment value at the moment. He picked up his yoyo again and decided he needed to learn a Mach 5. He flipped the yoyo a few times and then lost interest. “You know, we sit in here rotting while everyone else is out going on missions. They’re probably shooting their guns and throwing grenades and having fun. We need to have more fun.”

 

“What do you suggest, sir?” Carter asked, looking up from her book.

 

“How about a practical joke the next time the Doc comes in?”

 

Daniel looked dubious. “A joke?”

 

“Yeah, Daniel, a joke. You know. It’s a noun. A funny story or event meant to make people laugh. You may have run across it in a dictionary somewhere.”

 

“I know what a joke is, Jack.”

 

“Okay then. We can all get in on it.”

 

“And do what exactly?”

 

“Oh, I don’t know. Dress Teal’c up in Carter’s clothes?”

 

Teal’c raised an eyebrow. “I do not believe I would fit in Captain Carter’s clothing.”

 

“Or, we wait for the General to come to the observation theater and he finds us in compromising positions, eh? You have to admit that that would be funny.”

 

“Compromising positions?” Daniel’s eyebrows were working overtime.

 

“Yeah, me and Carter on the floor and you and Teal’c up against the wall or something. Come on, it would be hilarious to see the look on the Hammond’s face.”

 

Daniel shut his book, and crossed his arms. “Okay, but why you and Sam? Why not me and Sam on the floor and you and Teal’c up against the wall? You guys have that whole Theban warrior thing going for you.”

 

Jack rolled his eyes. “Four words, Daniel. ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell.’ Neither you nor Teal’c are in the military so it doesn’t affect you.”

 

“No, but Sam is in the military and you’re her commanding officer, so you’re in trouble either way. Therefore, Sam and I…”

 

“Or how about the three of you guys in a compromising position on the floor and me standing over you with my boot on your backs and a whip in my hand,” Carter said, putting down her book and smiling sweetly.

 

Daniel and Jack looked at each other.

 

Daniel shrugged. “I’m good with that.”

 

Jack pawed through their box of supplies. “Damn. No whip. Do you think it's too late to add it to the list of demands?”

 

*          *          *

 

Jack had dropped a penny on the floor and was carelessly flipping cards toward it, trying to get them to land close to it, or so Daniel presumed. He wasn't exactly sure what the point was, but he was having a hard time concentrating on Ancient Mesopotamia at the moment anyway. Even he had a limit for scholarly study. And from the bored, glazed expression on Sam's face, she had hit her limit too. He got up and stretched, walked around the table, and ran a hand through his hair. What was it about boredom that sapped the enjoyment from everything that he might otherwise like doing, Daniel wondered. Most weeks he would kill for the time to read a chapter or two of a scholarly work, but now that he had the time, he just wanted to be busy with something else.

 

He took a seat about the same distance from the penny as Jack was, but opposite him, picked up some cards, and began flipping them too. Jack looked up with a raised eyebrow as Daniel chucked a couple of cards, missing widely.

 

"Alright. Alright," Jack said, sending his cards scattering.

 

Daniel looked at him mystified. "Alright what?"

 

"Teach me a language," Jack said as though it were some loathsome compromise that Daniel had foisted on him.

 

Daniel sank back down to the floor, trying to wrap his mind around that one. "You want to learn a language?"

 

“No.” Jack flipped another card. “But I’m bored out of my skull. It’s either learn a language or start counting the number of dots in the floor tiles. Learning a language is ahead by a nose.”

 

"Okay. What language do you want to … uh, should I teach you?"

 

"As much as it pains me, Goa'uld would probably be the most useful, don't you think?"

 

"Uh. Sure."

 

"And I already know 'kree' and 'zat' and 'kel'noreem'. I figure I have a head start."

 

Daniel pulled his legs under him and leaned against the wall, making himself comfortable on the floor. "Right. Well, okay. Um, the first thing you should know about Goa'uld is that the sentence structure is a little different from Earth languages. The verbs -"

 

"Ehp, ehp, ehp," Jack said, making slicing motions with his hands. "Do you really think I care about snake grammar? Let's stick to conversational Goa'uld, shall we?”

 

"Ooookay. What types of phrases do you want me to teach you?"

 

"Oh, I don't know. 'Hey, what's that over there?' 'You call that a staff weapon?' 'Your god dresses you funny.'" Jack flipped a few more cards. "Oh, and swear words. Definitely those."

 

"Uh-huh." Daniel was hit with the certainty that if he taught Jack any of those phrases, he would live to regret it. "Well, okay. 'Your god dresses you funny.'" Daniel then grabbed a card and scribbled the phrase ‘clearly your most exalted god reveres you,’ in Goa’uld on it before carefully enunciating the words. He kept his voice calm and low so as not to attract the attention of the other Goa'uld speaker in quarantine.

 

No such luck.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Teal’c’s head lift up, pause, and then rotate slowly toward them.

 

Daniel waited until Jack’s eyes were on the card and then he gave Teal’c wild eyes and mouthed, ‘We don’t want him to know those phrases.’ Teal’c stared at him silently for a moment and then much to Daniel’s relief bowed his head slightly, his lips curling in what Daniel took to be a smile.

 

Then Jack croaked out a few garbled phonemes and Daniel realized that perhaps he would be safe teaching Jack insults after all.

 

*          *          *

 

Sam wasn’t going to admit that she was starting to get bored. She didn’t want to deal with the colonel saying I told you so. And as an Air Force brat who moved around all the time as a kid, she had years of practice in keeping herself entertained. But she couldn’t quite hide her glee when Janet came into the quarantine room carrying a laptop insulated in some sort of coating.

 

“Janet, is that what I think it is?” she asked, running her hands lovingly across the coated keys.

 

“Dr. Lee managed to work out the bugs in a new plasticizing polymer. It’s completely waterproof and can be disinfected allowing the computer to be used again. We got permission to log into your computer and I’ve copied all the files over for you.”

 

“That’s great, Janet! Thank you!” She tried to keep her glee under wraps but wasn’t quite successful. Then she glanced at the rest of the team, and a thick slab of guilt settled in her stomach.

 

The colonel tilted his head toward Janet. “Did you bring enough to share?”

 

“I’m sorry, sir, I only have the one laptop but we’ve had it set up with all your profiles and I got approval for a wireless internet connection, so you can get your email.”

 

He shook his head slightly. “That’s not really what I had in mind. I mean if Carter gets to have a computer, I should get to have a pool stocked with fish, Daniel should get to have his artifacts, and Teal’c should get … _something_.” He set his jaw indignantly.

 

“Sorry, colonel.”

 

Sam felt guilty. It really wasn’t fair that suddenly she had things to do when the rest of her team didn’t. “No, that’s okay, Janet. The colonel is right. I don’t really need to have a laptop.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Sam,” Janet chided. “You can all use it. I loaded it with a few games too.”

 

Sam looked uncertainly at Colonel O’Neill, but he dropped his head and tossed a hand casually in the air. “It’s okay, Carter. Take the computer.”

 

*          *          *

 

George sat at his desk, not wanting to look at the hundreds of emails that were sure to be clogging his inbox, most of them from people he didn’t really want to hear from. His eyes skimmed the long list of bolded messages when an unexpected name caught his attention. He clicked open the message and began to read.

 

_Dear General Hammond,_

_I’m emailing you because I have a bit of a problem and I need your help. You see, just before our last off-world mission, I was approached by a man from Nigeria about an artifact in his possession. He said that it held the key to all the knowledge of the universe. He had agreed to sell the artifact to the University of Chicago for study, however he needed someone to help him get it into the country. He was willing to give me a 10% fee from the $25 million sale to U of C if I would just allow the artifact to be transferred to my safe deposit box. The problem is, I don’t have a safe deposit box. I was planning to get one set up but then we brought that tablet thingy back from PX2-535 and I completely forgot to eat, much less go to the bank. Teal’c doesn’t have one either and Sam is way too smart to fall for something like this, so I need to use Jack’s safe deposit box. Could you please let the two of us out of quarantine so that we can complete the transaction and get the artifact safely into the hands of archaeologists where it can be properly studied for the benefit of all mankind?_

_Daniel_

_PS: Since all I care about is world peace and learning the knowledge of the universe, you can have my 10% cut of the $25 million._

Hammond sighed and clicked the reply button.

 

_Dr. Jackson,_

_When you are done using the computer, please be sure to log out._

_General Hammond_

*          *          *

 

Janet donned her protective gloves, slowly breathing in the dry cool air that was hissing through her hood. She made a point of checking on SG-1 herself at least once a day. It was a cumbersome process, but she figured if nothing else they could use the company. They were all showing signs of stress at their confinement. Even Teal’c.

 

Janet approached the door to the quarantine section and peered through the window. SG-1 had developed something of a daily routine. It was just after breakfast so Janet wasn’t surprised to see them all lifting weights. She peered through the window in the airlock as she adjusted her helmet one last time, about to head in when Colonel O’Neill dropped the weight he was holding. Janet took a step closer to the door just as he collapsed completely. Janet turned to the wall and stabbed the buttons to let her into the airlock. She peered through the windows helplessly while the outer door slowly opened. Daniel, Sam, and Teal’c were all kneeling around the colonel, who was still obviously unresponsive.

 

As soon as the outer door closed and the inner one was open a crack Janet squeezed through. She ran over and knelt down, feeling for a pulse through her gloved hand. “Colonel O’Neill? Can you hear me? Colonel!”

 

She found the gently throbbing carotid as she noticed the fog of his breath on her visor. She was just starting to lean back, her heart slowly sinking back out of her throat when his eyes popped open and he grinned.

 

“Just kidding, Doc,” he said brightly.

 

Janet sank back on her heels, the adrenaline still coursing through her body but now joined by a quickly growing fury. Daniel and Sam both looked at each other, horrified grimaces on their faces.

 

“Sir, that wasn’t funny,” Carter said.

 

He rolled onto his side and then sat up. “Oh come on. You should have seen your faces. Besides, a person’s sense of humor gets a little warped in here.”

 

He gave Janet one of his patented get out of jail charmer smiles, but Janet was not going to be mollified. “Sir, if you do something like that again, I will put you in the isolation ward. By yourself.”

 

Daniel perked up. “Can I go to the isolation ward?”

 

Janet crossed her arms and stared at them all. She was furious, but they were her friends and patients and she owed it to them to be as tolerant as possible. Obviously this was difficult for them and they had been behaving -- more or less anyway. “What can I do to make this easier?” she asked, trying to keep the anger out of her voice. “ _Besides_ moving anyone to the isolation ward.”

 

“Here’s a thought,” Jack said, back on his feet and looking dangerously cagey. “Let us go. We’re fine. None of us has any sign of the disease. Just call it good.”

 

“I’m sorry, sir, that’s the one thing I can’t do.”

 

Jack swung one of the tired green chairs around and sank down to sit in it backward, looking completely despondent. “Yeah, okay. It was worth a try.”

 

“I don’t suppose there’s anything you could do from here that would be fun?”

 

“Unless you flood quarantine and stock it with fish…”

 

Janet crossed her arms and shook her head.

 

“Yeah, didn’t think so.”

 

Janet wasn’t without sympathy. She knew that she would be bored out of her skull in their situation too, but they needed to protect the SGC and Earth itself. It wasn’t a responsibility she could shirk.

 

“I’m sorry, sir,” she said, taking his temperature, checking his pupil response, and reading his blood pressure. She moved to the others who, while not problem patients, also seemed similarly depressed.

 

“I’ll be back tomorrow,” she said to a lethargic response.

 

*          *          *

 

Teal’c had just finished eating his breakfast of eggs and sausage – which somehow tasted similar to the powdered taro root he had sometimes had to eat on Chulak – when O’Neill leaned back in his chair and said, “I’ve got it. We escape.”

 

Daniel Jackson’s pen paused over his crossword puzzle, and he raised one eyebrow. “Um. Let me be the first to ask the obvious question. _Why?_ ”

 

“Because. It would be good practice. It’s a strategically useful exercise, and we could find some of the weaknesses in SGC security.”

 

Captain Carter and Daniel Jackson exchanged a look. “But sir, we’re in quarantine because we’re a threat to Earth.”

 

“Not to mention the fact that they are going to let us out. Eventually.”

 

“Not for two more weeks.”

 

“Yeeees. When it’s safe for us to come out.” Daniel Jackson was appraising O’Neill as though O’Neill’s sanity were suspect.

 

“Well, if we didn’t escape until the very last day, it wouldn’t really hurt anything. And it would give us something to do in the meantime.”

 

“Sir, there’s still the problem that we’d need to disinfect ourselves and our clothing. We don’t know how long the virus can live outside the body. We’d be endangering the SGC.”

 

O’Neill picked up his coffee cup and tapped the rim absentmindedly. “There has to be some way we could incorporate that into our plan.”

 

Teal’c retrieved the breakfast trays from the table and took them to the airlock pass-through. “I do not believe this plan to be in our best interests, O’Neill.”

 

“Party poopers,” O’Neill said, taking a sip of his coffee.

 

Teal’c was fairly certain he didn’t want to know the origin of that particular Tau’ri colloquialism.

 

*          *          *

 

“I do not understand the use of this phrase, O’Neill. There are no fish in this … pond,” Teal’c said, looking down at the floor dubiously.

 

Daniel was about to jump in to explain, but Jack held up his hand. “How many times do I have to tell you that catching fish is not the point of fishing?”

 

Teal’c took a slightly deeper breath. Not quite a sigh, but about as close as Jack had seen him get. “There is no nature to appreciate in this room.”

 

“Yeah, well, that’s not the only reason to fish either.”

 

“And what would be the reason for this form of ‘fishing?’”

 

Jack shrugged. “To fend off boredom. Now I told you, I don’t have a black queen. Go fish.”

 

Teal’c’s large hands plucked at the swirl of cards lying on the floor between them. He raised one to his hand and glared over the top of the cards at O’Neill.

 

Daniel looked at Sam. “Do you have a red ten?”

 

She wrinkled her nose and handed him the card. Daniel cheerfully pulled his own ten and laid them out together in a neat little pair before taking his prize of another turn. “Jack, do you have a red two?”

 

“Go fish.”

 

Sam stared at him her eyes growing wider. “Sir?”

 

“What?”

 

“Last round you asked me for a red two, you must have one.”

 

“Quit counting cards, Carter. It’s not sporting.”

 

“I’m not counting cards. I just remembered what you asked for.”

 

“Carter, why would I cheat at _Go Fish_?”

 

“I don’t know, sir.”

 

Jack fanned his cards in front of his face and lifted his chin. “Well then ...”

 

Carter gave him a look and then went back to her cards. “Fine, it’s your turn.”

 

He grinned. “Carter, do you have a black nine?”

 

She pulled the card from her hand and passed it to him. Jack took it and carefully tucked it into the fan of cards, avoiding Carter’s frustrated look.

 

“Sir. You’re supposed to ask for cards you have.”

 

“Who said?”

 

“It’s how the game is played.”

 

“Have you ever heard of a little game called Calvin Ball?” he asked, tapping his cards to his chin.

 

Carter closed her eyes and Daniel took off his glassed to pinch the bridge of his nose.

 

Teal’c lowered his cards and said, “The boy with the tiger who plays a game in which the rules are changed to suit his needs?”

 

Jack grinned. “Nicely done, Teal’c. Way to pick on the pop culture reference, big guy. There’s hope for you yet.”

 

“Perhaps, but I do not believe there is hope for a game played in this manner.”

 

“Yeah, I’m out,” Carter said, pitching her cards.

 

Daniel was right on her heels. “Me too.”

 

“If you’re bored you could always start planning our escape,” Jack said, turning to Teal’c and grinning. “Got a red ace up your sleeve?”

 

*          *          *

 

Sam took the mug that Daniel had passed her, thinking that at least if she was going to be stuck in quarantine she wanted to be stuck with Daniel and his prodigious coffee making skills. Then she sat down at the table to go through some of the schematics she was working on for upgrading the naquadah generator. She pulled open the file she had stored on the laptop’s hard drive only to find there were several new pages in the drawing, all consisting of columns of the number 60065. She glanced at her fellow inmates who were all resting in chairs with their own mugs of coffee. “What’s the significance of 60065?” she asked.

 

Predictably, the colonel grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

 

“I’m putting letters in your math,” the colonel said.

 

Sam stared at him, confused

 

Daniel rolled his eyes. “I didn’t think they had calculators when you went to junior high, Jack.”

 

“Oh they didn’t. But I’ve been working with science geeks for many years now, Daniel. You and Carter aren’t my first.”

 

Sam was still confused. Daniel sighed and said, “Think about how those numbers would look on the seven segment display of a calculator and think letters.”

 

Sam looked down. “What? ‘b’… oh.” She was glad she caught herself before going any farther. Sam rolled her eyes and started to clear out the pages.

 

“Want to escape yet?” Jack asked.

 

Daniel groaned. “You have no idea.”

 

*          *          *

 

“Will you _stop_ whistling!” Daniel said, beating his head lightly on the table.

 

“Why, Daniel? Is it _bothering_ you?” Jack asked, a shit-eating grin on his face. Daniel sighed, knowing he’d just lost. But listening to _The Great Escape_ was fun the first 10 bars of it … several hours ago.

 

“I agree with Daniel Jackson,” Teal’c said while lifting a weight in a vaguely threatening manner. “Your whistling has become repetitive, O’Neill.”

 

“Thank you, Teal’c,” Daniel said, resting his chin on his hands and contemplating the book.

 

“Well if you would just get on board with my plan, then I wouldn’t have to continue goading you into doing it.”

 

“We’re not escaping, Jack.”

 

“Suit yourself,” he said, and began whistling again.

 

Daniel closed his eyes and did his best to tune it out.

 

*          *          *

 

The computer was a strategic miscalculation. A grave one. Teal’c watched as Colonel O’Neill sat at the table, drumming his fingers on its surface in time to the tune playing over and over again on the machine’s infernal speakers. He had resisted every effort to be dissuaded from playing the tune that Daniel Jackson called _The Great Escape_. Teal’c knew that O’Neill was not serious in his efforts to convince them to escape. He was also not serious in his threats to have them court marshaled for disobeying him.

 

He might however be serious in his attempt to drive them all to insanity.

 

O’Neill had resisted every cajoling effort to turn over the computer, citing his rank as privilege enough to keep it. Daniel Jackson had attempted to reason with him. Captain Carter had attempted to simply remove the computer’s plug from the outlet. O’Neill had moved the table to block her efforts.

 

He was irritatingly resilient to repetition and the music was insidiously seeping into Teal’c’s every thought. Even his kel’noreem was negatively affected.

 

If Colonel O’Neill did not relent soon, Teal’c would be forced to take action.

 

*          *          *

 

“He’s _cuddling_ the laptop,” Daniel whispered in horrified amazement. “Did you ever think you’d see the day when Jack would _embrace_ technology? In this case literally?”

 

Sam shook her head. “He’s a light sleeper too so we aren’t going to be able to get it away from him,” she said, glancing toward the bunk room door where the insipid tones of _The Great Escape_ were seeping under the closed door.

 

“If he’s a light sleeper, then how can he sleep with the music playing?” Daniel asked.

 

“I do not believe that O’Neill cares if he sleeps as long as he knows the rest of us do not.”

 

Daniel put his head down in his hands on the table. “We’ve got to do something. We could unplug it now that he’s sleeping.”

 

“That gives us another hour of listening to it until the battery wears out. And it’s only a stop gap measure. He’ll wake up in the morning with the laptop and start it again.”

 

“But at least we’ll get some sleep. And Teal’c can kel’noreem.”

 

Sam shook her head. “We really need to get the laptop away from him.”

 

Daniel looked at her solemnly. “We may have to give the computer back to Janet to stop this.”

 

“Neither method will stop O’Neill from whistling,” Teal’c said and then set his jaw and looked forward.

 

“You have something else in mind?” Daniel asked but Teal’c was already on his feet. He strode over to their box of supplies and began searching it. After a minute of perusing, he pulled out a roll of duct tape. “The computer is not the problem.”

 

Daniel and Sam shared a quick look. “Um, Teal’c. Are you sure you want to do that?”

 

“Indeed, I am.”

 

He was on his way toward the bunk room when Sam put a hand out to stop him. “Here, let me show you something first.” She took the roll and pulled off a length. Then she ripped a second shorter piece and pressed it to the first, adhesive sides together, to make a section that wasn’t sticky. “It’s really painful to pull duct tape off hair,” she counseled.

 

Teal’c nodded solemnly and disappeared.

 

Daniel gave Sam a look.

 

“What?” she asked, innocently. “Physics graduate students play pranks too.”

 

*          *          *

 

Janet stopped outside of the quarantine room and smiled at the fact that she wasn’t going to have to put on a biohazard suit today. She strode into the airlock and waited while the air was exchanged. Then she entered the common living area to find the situation a lot more peaceful than it had been the last several days. Daniel was leaning back precariously in one of the chairs, that giant book on Mesopotamia resting in his lap. Teal’c curled his arm, lifting one of the free weights with an unhurried serenity. Sam’s gentle clicking on the computer keyboard gave the room an almost homey coziness. They didn’t even look up when she came in.

 

“Alright. Who told you?” she asked crossing her arms in the middle of the room.

 

They all looked up, mystified, and then Sam’s eyes widened. “Janet! You’re not wearing your biohazard suit,” she said, obviously startled.

 

So they didn’t know. Janet was puzzled. “No one told you you’re getting out early?”

 

Daniel set down his book and sat up straight. “What? You mean today? Now?”

 

“We got word from the Pendarans that they were mistaken about the disease that swept the village you were in. Instead of the more deadly plague, it was a simple norovirus. It’s not nearly as contagious and the incubation period is 2 weeks. It also isn’t as hardy outside the body, so after one last checkout in the infirmary, you’ll all be free to go.

 

“Thank God,” Sam said and there were grins and noticeable relief around the room.

 

Janet was about to order them out of her quarantine when it dawned on her that someone was missing. “Where’s Colonel O’Neill?”

 

Janet was not blind to the guilty look that went from each member of SG-1 to the next.

 

“He’s in the, uh, isolation ward,” Daniel said, crossing his arms and not looking her in the eye.

 

“I didn’t send anyone to isolation.”

 

Sam gave Janet her overly bright I’m-not-as-innocent-as-I-look smile. “Yeah. We kind of made our own. We weren’t going to keep him there long.”

 

“Just a couple of hours,” Daniel chimed in.

 

“It was for his own good,” Teal’c said.

 

Daniel tipped his head in the direction of the bunk room. Janet stared at him wondering what in the hell they’d done.

 

“We’ll, uh, we’ll be in the infirmary,” Daniel said with a nervous tinge to his voice.

 

Janet nodded her head as they filed out. Then she made her way to the bunk room…and froze. Colonel O’Neill was duct taped to a bed, big straps of gray crossing his body with a shorter piece across his mouth.

 

“Well, the good news, sir, is that you get to get out of here early,” Janet said, quickly pulling off the tape over his mouth.

 

“I want a new team,” he griped, helping her pull off the rest of the tape. “This one is no fun.”

 

Janet crooked an eyebrow. “Are you sure? Because it seems to me that they’ve been remarkably patient with your antics. A lesser team probably would have strapped you down several days ago.”

 

The colonel cracked a smile. “My point _exactly_. Just think of how far things could have escalated by now. If you let us out early I don’t even have a chance to get even, Doc. Maybe you could find something wrong with them and send them back? Just for a day or two?”

 

Janet glanced skyward. “Oh, I don’t think so, sir.” She had a feeling that her quarantine facility wouldn’t survive it. “I think you’ve had enough fun.”

 

\-----------------

-knightshade

November 15, 2007


End file.
